content warnings
suicide, self harm
[391 words]
I want to wake up to the sun shining through my window with a nurturing light at ten o’clock. To rise on a slow Saturday morning & sit at my mahogany dining table, stare out the window at nothingness but the wispy strata clouds in the azure sky. Not worrying, but simply thinking about everything at the same time like I’ve already lived my life & have all the time in the world to simply enjoy existing, drinking in every drop of warmth the sun has to offer.
I want to stop time in this moment, stay here forever & never think about the cold ivory papers that await me or the people that watch my movements like snakes stalking prey, judging me for everything I do under the harsh fluorescent lights that drain all color from my bedraggled face.
I want to dance in my living room at night & laugh until I double over & I can’t breathe from pure joy. Then I will fill my soul with gratitude until I become one with the bright stars four million light years away from my home.
I want to go through the In-N-Out drive through on a Wednesday & sit in my car to eat the double cheeseburger & large fries, feel the sweetness of the strawberry milkshake hitting my tongue in the perfect first sip.
I want to dive into a pool & feel the cool water on my skin in the middle of a sweltering Arizona summer, immerse my head in the water & let it carry the weight of everything I bear.
I want to grow old & move to New Jersey where I can watch the auburn leaves fall from my neighbors maple tree year after year, while marveling at all the strange new things young people are doing. I can take slow sunset walks on cracked pavement as flocks of ravens fly above my head in perfect formations & little children play without a care in the distance.
I want this,
I thought this as I sobbed silently, body shaking on the kitchen floor, clutching the knife to my chest, too scared to move.
I want this,
I think as I’m writing with silent years streaming down my face, letting go of the past and finally paying a tribute to how close I came to being buried beneath the earth, beneath the endless rolling grass hills.
Grace R Jiao is a young Asian American aspiring fiction writer and poet currently attending high school in Arizona. She aims to express the coming-of- age challenges many teens face, as well as the casual sexism many young women deal with today. She has just started her journey in publishing her works, and hopes to connect with others through her pieces.
