[1988 words]
“Stop idolising that rascal… you are way better than he is. Always remember that!” said Aarti to Mehjabeen.
Mehjabeen’s tear drops trickled down her fair cheeks and Aarti at once wrapped her right arm around her shoulders.
“No, Meh, don’t! You need to be strong…Varun is not worth it!”
Mehjabeen’s crying persisted softly and she talked at last.
“I just can’t get him out of my mind. Why did he reject me, Aarti? Am I not good enough?”
“You are unbelievable. What did I just tell you?”
Mehjabeen wiped the tears around her eyes and sat expressionless.
“C’mon Meh! Cheer up for God’s sake! … C’mon, let’s go to the theatre.”
Mehjabeen widened her cheeks with a fake smile and dusted off her kurta. They walked hastily towards the Academy of Arts to catch a play written by their friend, Ashok.
In the coming days, Mehjabeen tried to distract her thoughts. She attended her Zumba classes, kept herself busy at work, taught maths to underprivileged children during weekends and watched one movie every week.
Aarti was incredibly happy to see her progress gradually to normal life, but Mehjabeen’s condition was far from being over.
She secretly started keeping a diary as a medium to converse with her unrequited love.
21st May 2025
I went to the florist today to buy a bouquet for Ammi for her birthday. She loves lavender and canary yellow flowers. You had introduced me to this shop this day, last year. Is there any chance you would have remembered her birthday today? Probably not!
I missed you a lot today!
2nd June 2025
You have not messaged or called even once since 15th April. How stone hearted can someone be? Have you forgotten me?
Meher Khaala visited home today. I overheard her telling Ammi to start looking for a suitable alliance for me. Oh God! I just hope Ammi does not take her instructions seriously. I do not have any mental energy left to manage any new relationship at this stage.
17th June 2025
Aunt Mary, my neighbour passed away today. She succumbed to blood cancer. You encouraged her to remain positive every time you visited her. She had spotted you a few times distributing biscuits to the street kids and she spoke very highly of you. A week ago, she had wrapped herself in that Kashmiri shawl you had gifted after her first Chemotherapy session and remembered you.
I want to inform you about her demise, but I shall refrain myself. You would have mourned her death too. I hope you learn about her demise through the Prabhat Times in their death section tomorrow and pray for her departed soul.
Aarti came to her room when she was writing on 29th June. She hurriedly stashed it inside a table drawer.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing, just something related to work.”
“Ok. Are you ready to go for the Zumba class?”
“Oh, yes.”
“Good. Listen, after the class, I will take you to a spiritual guru. He seems to have healed many people struggling with mental illness.”
“Excuse me! Do I appear sick to you?”
“I didn’t mean that babes, but you’re in pain. You don’t show but I know. I want you to be cheerful just the way you were a few months ago.”
The spiritual guru recommended that she looks for happiness in everything she experiences every day and suggested meditation in the mornings after her namaaz. He also said that if at any moment she feels sad and nostalgic then, it is fine to embrace that feeling too.
These words of wisdom were nothing new for her, but she felt good after venting herself.
She continued in the evening.
29th June 2025
I am finally seeking external help to discard you from my life. Unbelievable, right? If I heal completely, you might never hear from me again. Just the way you wanted this to be! Good night and take care.
Next morning, she meditated after her namaaz and during the process, she started concentrating on a red rose and gradually moved to Varun’s face.
12th July 2025
Ammi made keema samosa and mutton biryani today. Remember how much you relished it when you had visited home during Eid last year? Abbu was asking about you today and I did not know what to say. I said that I have not been in touch with you of late.
No one can empathise about my situation and even though I missed you dearly today, I kept a cheerful face on the dining table.
2nd August 2025
I went to the planetarium today. I stood at the place where I had expressed my feelings for you, and you had out rightly rejected me. It felt that those railings had our story buried inside it, completely invisible to the outside world. I stood there sobbing and a few of the passers-by saw me in that condition. How embarrassing!
This was not the right thing to do, and this is becoming a never-ending struggle.
17th September 2025
My life is being consumed by mourning my heartbreak but believe me I am really trying! My brain wants to embrace the future while my heart is still dwelling in the past.
I took the bus as the roads were deeply flooded. It stopped outside your office building, and I could not find your car in your designated parking lot. I met Venkat in the bus this evening, and he informed about your promotion and the transfer to Bareilly. I always believed you to be the brightest at work. I am incredibly happy for you! Congratulations! Although, the fact that you left this town makes me sad….
30th September 2025
I cannot find your profile on Facebook and Instagram anymore. Have you blocked me? Do you fear that I will trouble you in some way? This is making me feel so worthless about myself. Am I now a ‘nobody’ to you?
Your WhatsApp status (Thank God! I am still able to see that!) shows last seen three days ago. Are you busy? or are you sick? or are you terribly busy settling down in a new place? or do you spend all your free time playing basketball?
I was so close to sending you a message today. I did not know what to write and my fingers were shivering with nervousness. In hindsight, it was a good decision because you would have blocked me on WhatsApp too!
1st October 2025
Your last seen on WhatsApp was just a few minutes ago. Thank God, you are ok! I hope! I will be going to the national park tomorrow with Aarti and Ashok and you will be extremely missed!
9th October 2025
The weather must be getting slightly chilly in Bareilly. I imagine you in that maroon sweater. It suited you very much. I bet if you wear it today, you would be flooded with compliments.
You would be happy to know that I have improved on my dietary habits. I occasionally gorge on chocolates, and I have almost given up on ice creams. I handed over my ice cream pack to Salma as she needs sugar more than me after performing strenuous housekeeping tasks.
The Zumba classes have brought back the agility and the meditation in the mornings make me a stronger person.
19th October 2025
Aarti was telling me to set my memories free by thinking about all your flaws.
I know that no one is perfect, but this should help me in moving ahead.
When you had told me that you were yearning to read Amir Khusro’s poem collections, I made several trips to the city library to find the relevant books for you. You did not touch them at all. When I reminded you about it, you apologised saying that you had been extremely busy at work and then, had the audacity to ask me to short-list it to just one book which you should read due to the scarcity of time! I mean, what the hell? I did all that exercise for you and now you had zero interest in it!! I was so taken aback!
Another instance I recall about is of last January when my right palm’s skin burnt under a packet filled with hot pakoras from Namkeen Bhandar, as I wanted you to have the fresh taste of it. You refused to eat because I had just then recommended you, to read an article written by a Pakistani national. I found his writings to be an unbiased one. You did not talk to me for three weeks calling it extremely shameful and unbelievable and we started to talk normally only on your birthday.
Last February, I knitted for five days in a row and gifted you the crotchet tablecloths. You thanked me but when I had visited your home on Holi, I could not find it anywhere!
I very well know that you had stashed it somewhere in your storeroom. If you had been honest with me, I would have found it more respectful.
You look at life with a very narrow lens. Try to see the bigger picture, your outlook will change. Stop judging a book by its cover. On certain occasions, you display apathy which is heart-breaking. I hope you get the required maturity someday.
22nd October 2025
When I looked at myself in the mirror today, I liked myself. My skin has become smoother and there is freshness around my eyes. I felt good about myself after an exceptionally long time. If you had seen me today, you would have seen a changed person. My old blue trousers fit me now and my arms look leaner. Kiara from work was saying that she finds me to be a happier person now and Mira says that she gets positive vibes just by being around me during our coffee breaks.
18th November 2025
Shehnaz Aapa tutored Aarti on making sheer khurma. Aarti preaches that I stay away from sugar while she enjoys these delicacies. When I saw the sheer khurma in front of my eyes, it was difficult to hold on to my emotions, but I was successful in masking it up. How could I forget the last meal we had together at the Kuber restaurant? You had loved this sweet dish so much that I had sacrificed a sizeable part of my share for you to enjoy and just admire the way you relished every spoonful in your mouth. Did you happen to find this in Bareilly?
31st December 2025
The last day of the year.
Salma Aapa and Farhan Bhai Jaan have invited us for an evening party. I will try to enjoy it, but your absence today will surely leave a vacuum.
I went to see the year’s last sunset at the beach. When the sun was gradually disappearing, the growing darkness made me extremely poignant. It felt as if the distance between us widened even more and I wished I could break that barricade one last time.
Whether I like it or not, it must be a brand-new start from tomorrow.
Am I ready for a new beginning? Well, I really do not know. What kind of life will it be without your memories and without your presence?
You have not reached out till now and it has made me realise that living in a fallacy that you would change your mind one day, needs to end now or at least acknowledged going forward.
I want to say that it was wonderful knowing you, Varun. You unknowingly inspired me to become a better person. If I have in anyway made you uncomfortable, then I am extremely sorry!
I am thankful for the time we got to spend together.
I do not know whether our paths shall ever cross again in this life. Until then, I shall gradually move towards a fresh start, one day at a time.
Nagma Sinha is a senior executive at a multinational corporation who loves creative writing. She holds an MBA degree and is currently based in the Delhi NCR region. Her short stories have been published in Contemporary Literary Review India, Kitaab, Setu Bilingual, Modern Literature, Litbop, The Fairtales, The Omnibus Registry, Chewers by Masticadores and forthcoming in Purple Pencil Project. Her works have also been considered for publication by Indian Review, Muse India, Roe River Review, Phenomenal Literature and Spark Magazine. A curated list of her published pieces is available on her LinkedIn publications page https://www.linkedin.com/in/nagma-sinha/details/publications/. Beyond fiction, she has written on politics, socio-economic issues, culture, and the arts on her website, nagmasinha.blogspot.com.
