content warnings
eating disorders, anorexia
[321 words]
Yesterday, I drove myself down to the ocean. Took the I-10 for the first time. Told myself that living here didn’t matter if I’d die soon. When I was dying, I dreamed of ice cold matcha, a single shot of espresso, a prayer to god that I would lose another five pounds. Told myself that I could be so light as to float in the Pacific ocean. I woke up and wished I were dead. I was already dying. Just an extra step. Little mercies.
Yesterday, I drove myself up to the Grand Canyon. Threw myself over the ledge. Watched the river sweep my body into the Gulf of California. I dreamt of salt, of the taste in the air, of the smell of kelp. Mostly, I dreamt of the ocean. Mostly, I dreamt that I wasn’t a body. I was more romantic when I was dying. Like a vintage reel of the dead wife. Like I would pluck every flower on the planet for a lover. Like I was ready for my own obituary.
Yesterday, I drove myself down to the ocean. Took the I-10 again. Told myself that I would live in an abstract tragedy. Put on kajal again, the wrong way. Tasted the salt on my tongue. Floated in the Pacific until my fingers became prunes. Lost another ten pounds. Watched the water pool in the crevices of my collarbones. Woke up again. Wish I were dead again. Touched my papyrus skin. Watched it soak up water. I was more romantic when I was dying.
Yesterday, I lost another fifteen pounds. I was more in touch with my body. Used pretty words. Stared in the mirror a lot. Picked at the fat under my chin. The dips in my hip. Had enough skin to have dimples. Mostly, I was more romantic. I learnt to call it what it was. Anorexia. Eating disorder. I was already dying. Little mercies.
Arushi (Aera) Rege is a queer, chronically in pain, Indian-American poet in senior year in high school. They tweet occasionally @academic_core and face the perils of instagram @aera_.writes. They are the proud author of exit wounds (no point of entry) and BROWN GIRL EPIPHANY (kith books ’24, fifth wheel press ’25). They are the EIC of nightshade lit, Bus Talk, and Draupadi Interviews. You can find their website at arushiaerarege.carrd.co.
