Ingredients:
- 1 pair hiking shoes
- 2 laptops (one will likely crash)
- 1 supportive spouse
- 1 prophylactic
- 1 collection of adjectives
- 1 Thesaurus
Time: 18 years
Serves: 3
Part 1: Mixing
Begin with one week of hiking. No music, no Netflix, just nature and physical exertion. During this time, the book should begin to simmer lightly. As you stroll along cliffs that grace the tops of Appalachia’s rolling canopy, you’ll notice that the plot of the book becomes more cohesive, coagulating together into something more formidable. Plot holes should also resolve, although some time might be required to gently massage them into a smoother consistency.
► BAKER’S TIP: While walking in the gym is an acceptable substitute if camping is not available, be sure to give the mind time to wander with your feet.
Remove yourself from the hike, and begin typing. Both tedious and time consuming, this is best completed in small, focused increments, on a daily basis. Add supportive spouse to the process as needed.
Part 2: Proofing
Allow the first draft to rise. Place in a locked cabinet, and avoid touching it for several weeks. During this time, test positive for Covid.
Review first draft. Remove superfluous sections. Sprinkle lightly with adjectives.
Utilize and break prophylactic.
Begin nesting. Paint the nursery a neutral color, but not yellow, because children in yellow nurseries tend to be fussier. Freeze crockpot meals. Purchase baby clothing. After 9 months, welcome child into the world.
Review second draft. Remove superfluous sections.
Waking up at 3 AM, rush child to the hospital. Return grateful that they’re not dying, you’re an anxious first-time parent and they just have gas.
Review second draft. Sprinkle lightly with adjectives. During review, allow your attention to wander. The child will discover the cat’s litter box and place cat poop in their mouth. Call poison control. Ignore the laughter on the other end of the phone.
Review second draft. Set aside, and let rise.
Visit your local bank, establish a 529. Place $100 in it, and set aside.
Review third draft. Remove superfluous adjectives. Sprinkle lightly with new sections. Set third draft aside, and allow to rise for 3-4 years.
► BAKER’S TIP: Rise times may vary depending on the quality of each draft. Times are a recommendation, rather than a requirement. If third draft has fermented enough after 2 years, move immediately to the fourth draft.
Enroll child in school. Use time between 8 AM and 3 PM to keep the house clean, do laundry, and take on a part-time job. Continue contributing to 529.
Part 3: Baking
For the fourth draft, no rise time is required. Instead, tinker over the course of 12 years, occasionally adding or removing components as desired. Use thesaurus for flavor.
Cook dinners, taking in the warm smell of curry and transformation of your child’s face from green disgust to pleasure.
Drive to soccer games, observing the motion of the cool fall air as it blows across the field.
Watch the child build, first with Lincoln Logs and Legos, and then later with love, building structures that grow and fall down and sometimes last for a lifetime.
Mourn losses. A neighbor, an uncle and two aunts. A few friends. Your parents. Stand strong, your arms wrapped around your family, the three of your holding tight to what you still have.
Celebrate accomplishments, the bike without training wheels, the blue ribbon at the county fair, the driver’s license, the game winning goal. Stand and clap at Kindergarten 5th Grade Middle School High School Graduation.
► BAKER’S TIP: Don’t fight it; let life get in the way. Let it fill your heart, change your mind, and replenish your soul.
Cash out 529, and help the child leave home, placing them in college for 4-5 years.
Refer back to supportive spouse.
Quit part-time job.
Discard fourth draft, and begin writing.
M.R. Lehman Wiens is a Pushcart-nominated writer with work appearing in The First Line, Hearth and Coffin, Tales Anthology, and others, with an upcoming piece in Consequence Forum. He lives in Kansas.
